jalexander09

I’ve been thinking about relationships for a long time. Basically, since I was in elementary school and my girlfriends always had a little “boyfriend.” I realized I never really had those summer romances, the switch-on/ switch-off boyfriends or the high school sweethearts that many of my friends can boast of. I didn’t even have a date to my senior prom. I’ve never been invited to a dance and have never actually been picked up and taken on a date (that I didn’t somehow initiate). Let me take that back… I’ve met one or two guys online, been hollered at while in my car, or behind a window; however, I’ve had an issue with guys even taking a second look when I’m standing right in front of them…at least guys my age (and we’re talking within a 5-10 year span my age…).

I digress…

I’ve been thinking about relationships for a long time. Long enough to know the common denominator is me. When I have high confidence, I tend to attract more lookers. Not more dates or more new friends… just lookers. However, I feel that when I’m down on myself, I repel the world. There comes a time when I have to make a change within myself and with my own thinking before I can truly realize external change. The changes I am beginning to make do not have to do with getting dates. I date myself. They don’t have to do with impressing people. I know what I can do and most people are usually impressed anyway. These changes are about my health.

Spiritual…

Emotional…

Physical… 

Yes, in that order. I’m going to change my relationship status from the outside in. Ironically, I’ve received a proven tool to guarantee my mate finds me and I am married when I am ready. However, I’m not ready for that yet. (Hit me up if you would like it.) Now, I’m working on my relationship with God and with me. Those are the most important and the root of all my other relationships. It’s time to make a change… and it begins with a change of mind. 

Without Wax, 

J.Alexander

I never realize that I’m a “single lady” until I’m surrounded by people in couples. That’s when it hits me… I’m alone.

Don’t get me wrong; sometimes it’s absolutely awesome being free to be on your own, depending on yourself and giving or keeping your time without guilt or obligation. However, there are times when you just want that someone to be with. You are looking for someone to care about. Shoot let’s be honest: you want someone to care about you. It gets a little heartbreaking sometimes to have all your friends and family coupled up and have no one of your own to tell that great story to. Its down right sucks sometimes when you have to be put 3^rd, 4^th or last in the sequence of care because you’re no one’s first.

However, I have to realize, I’m never really alone. I’m just going through a time in my life where single is the constant status that becomes like mold on bread. No one wants to eat it and to scratch off the mold remove layers of its substance. No one wants to become moldy bread while single waiting for that God-given guy to realize he’s ready to find you. For me, I sit and wonder why single inadvertently means molding. Or does it mean maturing, toughening, and adapting?

Hey… we’ll just have to wait and see.

Without Wax,

J.Alexander

I’ve been thinking a lot about the ‘things’ we go through in life. Whatever your ‘thing’ may be, I know you wonder “Why me?” My life seems to be riddled with people who have had the same experiences I have. Either they are experiencing it now or experienced it at the same time as me. When we are going through together, I believe we are essentially there to hold one another up, help one another stay strong and to keep the other focused on something other than themselves. However, I also find the people who come into some ‘thing’ after you, come to you for help and then refuse to listen or take heed to advice!

Why then I ask are they burdening you and me with their ‘unsolvable’ problems?

Why do we have to go through someone else’s self-inflicted torment again and again? Is it because we did it to someone before us and it just seems to be our payback? History repeating itself? How did we get trapped in someone else’s path of self-destruction?

I’ve been thinking a lot about mentorship. A mentor is a wise and trusted guide and advisor. According to dictionary.com a mentor is an influential senior sponsor or supporter. I realized in a lot of my relationships I’m a mentor of convenience. As I was at school I had people calling me a mentor left and right. However, now, I can’t even get someone to call. I have people call to complain about something (from school or not) but unwilling to take actions to improve their conditions. I am continually trying to be a support but they don’t even share their events, joys or triumphs. How then, I ask, do they dare give me the title of mentor? Do they not know what it means? Or do I not know what a mentee is? A mentee is one who is guided; one who is willing to follow and listen. Am I not a mentor, or am I calling my mentees something they are not?

I don’t have a mentor. My only mentors have been my parents and I’ve listened to a bit of wisdom over the years from people I respected. However, I’ve never been officially mentored. How do you lead when you’ve never been led? I say all of this to say, I’m done.  No more false mentees, solicited or unsolicited advice or giving of myself from people who leave me out, continue to wallow, or just need a sounding board. I’m working on finding me a mentor. 

Without Wax, 

J. Alexander

Before today, I never realized how much my parents actually liked having me around. Crazy huh? I always figured, they didn’t mind my presence much. Don’t ask where this stems from… call it my unfortunate case of insecurity. However, I always knew how much I loved my family and what it meant to have them close. For a while (and sometimes even now) I resented my brother for going so far away for school. The feeling only popped up when there was something I deemed significant (most things) and therefore he should be around to share it with the family. My sister’s sweet sixteen, graduation, a first dance, getting your first car. These are just a few moments in life that may seem small but mean so much.

It’s about being together as a family.

It’s crazy, but now I’m the one “breaking up” the family. I’m not moving up the street or even a couple of hours away. I’m traveling to a world unknown to anyone in my immediate family. Somewhere I can’t physically be reached for a long time. Yes, in the age of internet, phone and other various technologies, I should feel comfortable leaving the nest and testing my wings. I’m scared, yes. I’m exhilarated, yes. But the thing about it isn’t how far it is… it’s about who I will share the experience with. As my dad keeps reminding me, I won’t be able to turn on some music and dance with my mother. I won’t be able to tickle my cat and chase my sister. I won’t be able to sit in comfortable silence close to my father and listen to words of wisdom. Not easily… and not for a while. So while I can, I will cherish every moment I have. However, I will also get myself ready to have an experience of a lifetime. I am about to go on an adventure that I will talk about for the rest of my life.

But still…there’s truly no place like home.

Without Wax,

J.Alexander

I awoke this morning in a terrible stir. I had a dream about… an ex.

What’s up with that? First I don’t hear from him for months, then I see you and (think) I feel nothing and now I’m dreaming these (very) interesting dreams focusing on repression, anger, hurt and letting go.

Question is: who or what am I supposed to let go of?

I did a little dream interpretation research and found a common theme in all the mini dream-isodes I had last night. Part of me let go of the relationship, part of me holds out (misguided and unfounded) hope and part of me jut wishes my past would stay put. Essentially I’m split in three looking to become one.

The dream focused on my heart and the pain of misunderstanding. Unfortunately, I’m not sure who was being represented. Technically, everything in dream-world is essentially a symbol for something else. Who is really hurting here? Why does it seem like consciously I’ve let go but subconsciously I’m still hurt, angry, emotionally repressed and yet holding on?

Without Wax,

J.Alexander

Are we wrong to still feel emotions for people we once cared for?

When they reappear do you find that resolve you so strongly held onto dissolving like you did the first time you kissed?

The ex-factor. The one place in you that no matter what happens and how long it’s been since you’ve seen that formerly-special someone, you have a few left over feelings that bubble over the top of the container you told yourself you’d closed. You begin to remember why you fell for them in the first place. Unfortunately, a few minutes spent with them remind you of why you broke up… or just let each other go.

So what are you to do when you find yourself stuck in a no parking zone going down a one-way street? Do you stay still and see what happens? (You’ve essentially parked… ticket #1). Do you turn around to catch what you think you may have missed? (You’ve gone the wrong way. You could hit someone pulling stunts like this… ticket #2). Do you keep going and never look back? (Warning… sometimes it’s worth it to pay the fine.)

What is there to do when you encounter the ex-factor?

In your head you could have broken him down into this really evil man, who manipulated your heart, played with your emotions and left you broken and left for dead. But was he really that bad? In your head you could’ve made him into some suave debonair guy who could sweep you off your feet with a whisper from his lips. Only problem is that he was never settled… but he sure could make you feel like you were floating beyond cloud nine. But was he really that great?

Relationships are difficult, but nothing more so that one you thought was over and was actually just in a strange limbo world of confused feelings and words unspoken.

Without Wax,

J.Alexander

Hi World,

 Recently I’ve been observing the different types of relationships around me and the different facets of those relationships. Interestingly enough the one I became most interested in was the one with myself. I’ve recently graduated from college, really gotten over my first “real” boyfriend and finally decided to let go of all the drama that plagued me in college that brought me to this point of forgiveness in my life. To my surprise all that left me to deal with was my relationship with myself.

I find, that like most people, I am resistant to change. However, I also find that I crave it continuously. I can’t stand too much routine. After a while, I need everything around me to take a shift. That idea was fine for college; essentially, every couple of months I found myself in a different routine, in a new place and with new people. I am a goal-oriented person. Fortunately or not, my collegiate goal has been accomplished and I am now drifting on this journey of self-discovery with no realistic goal in sight. Where do I start?

That is where I shall begin and end this blog. With my revelation of my new journey… my new goal: to seriously find myself.

Without Wax,

J.Alexander

I was just sitting here thinking about some of my relationships and how they seem to turn out. I pride myself on being honest. Sometimes I’m too honest to the point where it’s slightly offensive when it’s not meant to be. However, I believe honesty in relationships is very important. My question is this: When is it appropriate to be honest and when is it okay to just hold back? 

It is my firm belief that a relationship without honesty is doomed for failure. Nevertheless, I also believe too much honest will lead a relationship to failure. Seems like a ‘Catch-22′ huh? Well, it is. To never let another party know how you feel about something is to be dishonest with yourself and them. Unfortunately, this can lead to resentment and a lack of courtesy in the partnership (whatever kind it is). I have had plenty of occurrences in which I’ve held onto something too long and instead of being merely honest when I released it, I was being mean. It was no longer for the good of the relationship but for my personal gain as well. However, my question always surrounded the fact of when is the right time to be honest? It surely can’t be when the moment first arises. In that moment you may not think of everything you should consider and lack tact in speaking. However, when you dwell on it too long, you lose the essence of the reason you were going to be honest in the first place.

Many of my friends pride themselves on being honest. A lot of my former friends have made that claim to fame as well. I was actually reading something a former friend of mine wrote touting her excellent ability to be honest with those persons surrounding her. I realized a large factor in the breakdown in our relationship was not only immaturity on both of our parts but the lack of honesty from her to me. Because I thought we were living in the realm of reality and not fantasy, I thought it was appropriate to share feelings, disappointments, encouragements and the like whenever necessary. I found that she was the type of closed person that would hold the aforementioned until she could use it against you or until she became angry about it. That’s not honest; it’s manipulative. She didn‘t handle confrontation or conflict well and would become passive aggressive when situations didn‘t suit her. I was able to look past her exterior actions because I used to handle my problems in the same way. However, I grew up to realize running from situations and sabotaging relationships hurt me more in the long run.

I say this all to say honesty is a double-edged sword. We have to use it wisely and effectively. We not only have to be honest with others to enhance and maintain positive relationships, but also with ourselves. 

Until Next Time, 

J.Alexander……….out! 

My dad and I have a very special relationship. It’s one that started when I was young (of course). I was his first baby girl. A child is (or should be) special to a father but being a a first always gives a daughter a special place in her father’s heart. Our relationship is ever-growing and changing.

I believe father-daughter relationships are special because of what it teaches both parties. First, it teaches a man about how he would like another man to treat a woman. This happens because not only does he, as a father, realizes how precious a baby is he also realizes how fragile a baby girl is. From the beginning of his daughter’s life he can see the transformation from child to woman and what it truly takes to make an extraordinary human being. It also teaches the daughter was she wants (and sometimes doesn’t want) in a man. If he is a part of her life, he is the male figure who she will compare every other man against. This relationship tends to be one of the most significant and influential relationships either individual could have, for better or worse. I believe it’s the type of relationship that continues to grow and change yet somehow, remains the same.

WHAT’S YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIKE?

Sincerely,

J.Alexander

The relationship between a father and daughter is special; no matter what that relationship is. I love my daddy. Most call me Daddy’s Little Girl. I thank God for my father all the time but on Father’s Day I develop even more respect of the man who chose not only to be a father but a daddy to me and my siblings. We’ve had disagreements, laughter, tears and a life full of memories and a great representation of the man I’d like in my life.

Unfortunately, not everyone can say they have the best relationship with their fathers. Let me know what your relationship is like. I’ll post something about fathers for the next few posts.

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAD!

Peace!

J.Alexander